


"...That Was Fun..."

by RogerStenning



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 12:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/622078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogerStenning/pseuds/RogerStenning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'd pity anyone who tried to assassinate you," Aral said in a like humour. "In fact, I do. How many of them have you got so far?"</p><p>"Seven. They've trailed off a lot lately, I suppose word has got around." He began to eat his dessert, which he had been staring morosely at for a while. "Two tries at poisoning, one kidnapping—that was fun—three taking pot-shots, and that, er, honey-trap."</p><p>- “Liegeman” by Philomytha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"...That Was Fun..."

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Liegeman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/30230) by [Philomytha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philomytha/pseuds/Philomytha). 



 

 

  **“** **...That was fun...”**

A Vorkosigan FanFic  
By Roger Stenning

Based on the characters, situations, and universe created, set, and owned by  
Lois McMaster Bujold. The contents of this story are for personal, non-commercial  
use only. Any use of Lois McMaster Bujold's copyrighted material or trademarks  
anywhere in this story should not be viewed as a challenge to those copyrights  
or trademarks. This disclaimer must remain as an integral part of this file.  
The material in this story may be used/abused by other FanFic authors, provided  
that credit is given where credit is due - "Turnabout is fair play"!

Copyright 2010, Roger Stenning.

***

This ficlet was inspired by a line in the ficlet “[Liegeman](http://community.livejournal.com/lmb_challenge/20727.html)” by [Philomytha](http://philomytha.livejournal.com/).

***

Many thanks to [Philomytha](http://philomytha.livejournal.com/) for the beta reading, observations,  
and SPAG (that's _SP_ elling _A_ nd _G_ rammar) corrections :-)

***

  
The Regent sat down, leant back in the over-stuffed cushions and, spreading his arms along the back of the sofa, regarded the man behind the desk for a moment. "So. Simon. No ill effects from yesterdays... shenanigans, then?"  
  
Simon Illyan, Captain, Chief of Barrayaran Imperial Security - ImpSec - had the grace to look a little sheepish this morning. "For me? No, sir."  
  
"I thought that might be the case. It's all over the vids, you know."  
  
Illyan steepled his hands on the desk, lowered his head, and muttered something under his breath.  
  
"I'm sorry, Simon, I missed that."  
  
"Sorry, Sir. I said 'Of course it is'."  
  
Admiral Count Aral Vorkosian, Regent to Emperor Gregor of the Barrayaran Empire, was fairly sure that hadn't been what Simon had muttered the first time around. He managed to suppress his grin. How, he didn't know, but he managed it none the less. "It's quite flattering, actually."  
  
"Who for? Me, or those complete idiots who tried it on?"  
  
"Well, given that they each lasted no more than a couple of seconds apiece when you engaged them in hand-to-hand combat, I'd say that it was an unqualified 'You', on that one. I must say, stuffing the last one head-first into the hot dog boiler was an interesting way to conclude the meeting, but it was rather effective, never the less. Do you think the stand owner'll apply for an 'As approved by ImpSec' certification award?"  
  
"...I sincerely hope and trust not, Sir." _But he wouldn't put it past the Greekie stall holder. They had the stones to try that kind of idiocy on, of course._  
  
"I hear he's already got a new Hot Dog on the menu: The 'Kidnap Dog'. Apparently comes with all the trimmings, including Jalapeños, whatever those might be."  
  
Simon just held his head in his hands as he shook it in quiet disbelief.  
  
Aral grinned. He was enjoying this. In truth, he knew that he shouldn't relish the way Illyan had dealt with them: an attack had been made on the head of Imperial Security, the man who guarded the state. But ye gods, were they complete morons? What the hell had they been thinking when only FIVE of them tried it on? Did they think that he'd have sighed, hung his head, and gone willingly with them? Rank amateurs, the lot of them, and they had richly deserved everything that Illyan had done to them.  
  
"So. How did this all come about? Start at the beginning, finish at the end, and leave nothing out. You know the drill."  
  
Illyan's shoulders dropped. _Trapped. Nuts_.  
  
"Very well, Sir. As you're no doubt aware, I, like all my personnel, am required to maintain a high level of physical fitness. The standard measuring tool for this is the Annual Personal Fitness Test, a three mile un-squadded run against the clock. I therefore run five miles, minimum, every day, normally before the start of the working day. I take the rostered duty reaction team with me, of course. That's been standard practice until now. I suppose I'll have to change the SOP to be a dedicated Close Protection team in future." _More budgetary burdens. Oh, joy._ "At any rate, the team don't select the running venue. I do, at random. This lot caught us at the end of the route, in the main park just outside the Vorbarra Sultana University Campus. It's one of the places we regularly use.” He glanced at the window looking into the ImpSec HQ light well. It was, of course, raining. _Of course it'd be raining today. Suits my mood_ , he thought to himself, and shrugged slightly. “Well, we did until today, anyhow."  
  
"Go on." Aral stretched out his feet, and crossed them at the ankles, a sign to those who knew that particular 'tell' that he was enjoying the tale.  
  
"Anyway, we were just conducting our warming down stretches, when two hover vans crashed the park. My men are all alright, by the way: the wannabe kidnappers played stunner tag, I'm relieved to say."  
  
"That's good to know, although it was in the spot report I got last night, right after I saw it on the news. We'll come to that in a bit. Do go on."  
  
"Yes, sir. Well, after the first stunner rounds, I'd hit the ground rolling, and charged the first of the five of them, took him down, and before I had a chance to grab his stunner, the second was on me. Then the third after him, and so on. It was over rather quickly."  
  
Aral snorted. "I'll say. There was a zoology student in the park videoing the local birds when it happened. He got it all on chip, and sold it to the Vorbarr Sultana Vid News Network. Smart kid. It'll help his tuition fees. Let's see..."  
  
He held up one finger at a time, counting off:  
  
"One roundhouse kick to the throat, an arm-brace spinning neck break, one heel of the palm to the nose, a leg sweep and an elbow to the - um, happy sack, shall we call it? - which you followed up with a flat hand jab to his neck, and the last one was dispatched with a sacrifice throw head-first into the hot dog boiler. Total time: twelve seconds, start to finish from your first contact. I timed it on the fifth replay." The Regent did not add that the first video run had him speechless in anger - WHY had he not heard of this the moment it happened? The second had him chuckling evilly. The third had him laughing so hard he'd had to sit down before he fell down. The fourth (slow-motion) replay had him damn near splitting his sides, and, after he'd calmed down, and massaged his ribs a little, and taken a _lot_ of deep breaths, he timed the fifth replay, still giggling a bit. "Did I miss anything out?"  
  
"No, sir. That's a fairly comprehensive summary of the incident."  
  
"Good. Now, why did I have to come over here, over 26 hours after it happened, to get your report?"  
  
"Um. Because I haven't actually filled out the report yet, Sir."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
" _Because it's bloody embarrassing!_ " Simon exploded in frustration. "My entire guard team taken out in two seconds flat, and I act like some character out of a damned holonovel, and take out the bad guys?! Wouldn't _YOU_ be embarrassed, sir?"  
  
"Really.” Aral raised an amused eyebrow. “I take it you're referring to the part where you were yelling some extremely vulgar and graphic insults at each one in turn, and informing the last one that you were going to rip his private parts off him, and serve them up for breakfast, for being so - what was it you said? - Oh yes, 'Half-Assed'?"  
  
Illyan coughed discreetly, looking at the floor. _Oh, HELL. I'm never going to live this down, am I?_  
  
“So, Simon. As Cordelia might put it, How long have you had this repressed anger management problem?”  
  
Illyan looked up, a somewhat disgusted expression on his face. Bland was definitely out to breakfast, hell, it was off planet even, right now. _Only since you made me head of cockroach central_. He observed that Aral was holding up a small vid chip. _Oh, hell, NO! He hadn't, surely?!_  
  
“I decided not to show it to Lady Vorkosigan. She'd only have become rather Betan about it. However, she looks at the news, just as I do. I dare say she'll be in touch, in her own unique way, soon enough.”  
  
Illyan buried his face in his hands again. “Oh, _bugger_.”  
  
Aral finally chuckled. “I showed it to the Chief of the Imperial Staff General Vortierre at IHQ this morning. Once he'd managed to stop whooping and laughing, all he had to say was 'About bloody time he had some fun!'.”

 

_FIN_


End file.
